Church of the Baby Jesus: Bar and Grille

Controversy?

2007-04-11T11:27:00.000-05:00

Given the recent fuss over Imus and his comments I must admit that I find it somewhat amusing that the official state song of Florida, "The Swanee River", has the following chorus.

"All de world am sad and dreary,Eb-rywhere I roam;Oh, darkeys, how my heart grows weary,Far from de old folks at home!"

In case you missed it, let me point out the word "darkeys" there. Yes, darkeys, in the offical song of the state of Florida. What really upsets me is that I would choose to spell it "darkie".

One More

2007-02-28T11:16:00.000-06:00

I can't help myself. Notice all of his stuffed animals riding bare-back. Sneaky things.

I don't know for how long this will be true, but for now, hearing the sound that frog or monkey makes causes me to cry. It's true; I did it this morning.

We Did it

2007-02-28T11:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday took J-man to the PAWS people. Cried. Sounds silly but the whole time I was there I kept thinking, "Thanks for being my friend." Going to cry now again.

Hard to Believe

2007-02-15T15:57:00.000-06:00

It is hard to believe that it's finally time to say goodbye. The portion of Jethro's jedi training that I supervise is nearly complete. Next weekend he will move into the advanced jedi school, where he learns to crush people's brains with the power of the Force. It seemed like only yesterday he was using the power of the Force to magically make small puddles of urine appear on our floor.

Huh?

2007-02-14T11:45:00.001-06:00

So today I read about Gregory Gadow's Proposition 957 in Washington state (Dagnasty anyone?)
It requires married couples to have children within 3 years or have their marriage ended by the state. It also requires couple seeking a marriage license to prove that they are capable of having children. Essentially, marriage, according to the bill, is for pro-creation. At this point, I was hating Gregory Gadow. But...
There is a twist. Gadow is actually protesting a Washington State Supreme Court case from a few years back where the court ill-advisedly commented that procreation within marriage was within the interest of the state. Essentially, the court used that argument to shoot down gay marriage. Gadow's point? Fine, if you want to be stupid, then let's get stupid. So, he's pushing to get signatures for Prop 957 to raise public awareness of the flawed logical basis for the court's decision. And who knows, if he could get enough people to rally to his banner and actually get the Prop put on a ballot, wouldn't it be sweet to make the Supreme Court nullify its own earlier position by ruling 957 unconstitutional. Pretty sweet thinking there Greg. I can respect that.
As you might imagine, he's getting some mixed reactions. It does take a while for the reverse logic to kick in, and people on both sides of the argument, including some Gay rights groups, don't think that this is necessarily the best fratergy. But, I say, God bless you, if for no other reason than you made me laugh.

It Is Official

2006-12-04T10:05:00.000-06:00

I have suspected as much since I saw him at Lollapalooza this summer...but Ryan Adams has officially lost his mind. Check out his newest works; they...um rule. Clickity click here.

I am Ready!

2006-11-13T16:40:00.000-06:00

Just in case some of you are worried about your Rapture preparedness, I've included this link to help you get going. Consider it a gift from me to you.

Anybody Else?

2006-11-13T16:19:00.000-06:00

Does anybody else watch Heroes on Monday nights? Jesus, I guess it is the comic-book freak inside me, the nerdy part that still gets excited when there are boobs on Tv, that loves the hell out of this show.
The funny thing is that the first couple of episodes weren't actually that fun to watch. They were a bit slow to be honest. However, when my wife would get home from work I faithfully recounted the events of the series to her and she always said, "Wow, that sounds like a great show." I would then think, "Hmm. ..actually it wasn't that great, but I sure did make it sound kick-ass when I described it." NBC should hire me to promote its shows by offering brief, but awesome summaries that get rid of all the crap (like stupid characters, plot development, etc).

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

2006-11-08T12:45:00.000-06:00

Dems win House...

Dems might win Senate...

Rummy hits the bricks...

Clearly it is time for me to buy a lottery ticket.

Money quote, from Nancy Pelosi, "Today we have made history. Now let us make progress." Granted, it appears that she may have used the same quote for her swearing in ceremony as Whip, but hey, it's a good quote so one should get milage out of it.

Shocker

2006-11-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

So, Ted Haggart is the pastor of a huge evangelical church. He says and believes dumb things. He hates gay people. He is gay (or at least has sex with other men). Like you, I am still waiting on the surprise...

Two quotes from this story make me want to cry.

Haggart said, in his explanation letter to his 14,000 person congregation, “The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There’s a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life.”

The story goes on to say, "He did not specify which accusations were true. Haggard had acknowledged Friday that he paid Mike Jones of Denver for a massage and for methamphetamine, but said he did not have sex with him and did not take the drug."

So...first of all, the Haggart part of the statement makes me want to puke. Is he really saying that being gay is that "repulsive and dark" part of his life, or was it the fact that he was cheating on his wife and family that is so repulsive and dark. People are celebrating this as a potential moment for the Evangelical community to finally make some space for gays and lesbians, seeing that one of their own falls into that camp. However, as long as we're still talking in terms of repulsion and darkness I don't see any great hope for broader acceptance or recognition for the LGBT community on the part of the fundies. Instead, it will be just another example of how the power of Satan can tempt even the most Christ-like. Please..

Secondly, if Haggart is in fact guilty of sexual immorality, as he admits in the first part, but denies having sex with Jones, per the second part, who was he having sex with? Where is this sexual immorality? I'm guessing that this is just the tip of the iceberg with this dude. It makes me want to grab all the fundies of the world and shake them, screaming, "See you stupid, stupid bastards, what making a person lie to themselves for years can do to them? See how a culture of fear and hate can be internalized and can just plain fuck up someone's life?" I have no doubt that Haggart wants to be a good man; I'm sad that his belief structure tells him that there is no possibilty for that simply because he might be attracted to other men.

Holy Crap

2006-11-02T09:25:00.000-06:00

Sweet Baby Jesus, isn't that Wolverine!

Well, I Guess it is Really Over

2006-11-02T09:21:00.000-06:00

For the record, I guess I am now officially closing out the wedding gift reception period. You know what sucks though? Some relatives of mine send cards to the apartment, but they only put my name on the card. Well, my name wasn't on the box at our apartment. Apparently, even though USPS will deliver junk mail to anyone and everyone regardless of the names on boxes or the mail itself, it will not deliver hand-written mail to a non-matching name. This means, that those cards were returned to sender. What sucks more, is that they never resent them, after I corrected the problem and put my name on the box, and I don't really think it would be polite to call them and say, 'Hey, you should resend that check my way; I will get it now." Damn the USPS, damn them all.

Dear Baby Jesus

2006-10-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

A Dominican priest in Poland has introduced a new Catholic prayers aimed at teenagers, including a prayer for God's assistance to avoid trash talking when drunk.

The prayer reads, "Lord, if in an unsober state, and under the influence of those around me, I say something stupid, please give me strength to retract my words. Protect me against senseless bravado and pride."

Finally, after nearly 2,000 years the Church has come up with something worthwhile. What they should have though, is a prayer that would make you immune to the effects of alcohol consumption, thus empowering you to Rage endlessly. " Dear Baby Jesus, please help me pound endless shots, yet remain perfectly sober while all my friends are puking in the front yard. Then, I can watch them wallow about in their own vomit and laugh, all for you sake and in your mercy. Amen"

The prayer should also add, "If I should accidently wake up next to some hideous wilderbest, please help me to forget how I got there. Oh, and please forgive me for trying to grab the boobs of that one lady...the ugly one. I'm not sorry for trying to grab the hot one's." Amen and Amen.

Interest This, Bitch

2006-10-18T13:26:00.001-05:00

Last month we celebrated the fact that we'd "apparently" paid off one of my (many) student loans. You'll notice the quotes around apparently, in this case used to indicate that we were, in point of fact, incorrect. It appears, that even if you pay off the entire amount listed on the bill, at the end of that month you still get charged interest on the entire amount.
In this case, that extra amount cost me $17.77. I called bullshit, but knew that I was powerless against the might and rage of The Man to do anything about. However, my wife, who will henceforth be known as The Wife I Have Now, in honor of our friend's uncle, insisted that I call The Loan People, to give them some sass. I'm not that good at giving sass, but I figured I would give it a try.
The Loan Lady told me that when you get a bill, that is the amount you owe right then. Interest still accrues, daily in fact. So, by the time your check gets there, you owe more. I tried to convice her that what she was telling me meant, effectively, that if one pays by check, they will never, ever be able to pay off their student loan in total. I told her that was stupid; she didn't understand my reasoning. I did give her some good sass, but still, felt powerless and small in the face of such stupidity. I hate The Loan Woman. One day, Loan Company, you'll get yours. Until then, please make your stock continue to rise in value because I own some of it.

I Just Wanted to Point Out

2006-10-10T11:39:00.000-05:00

If you type in "they're killing the Baby Jesus" to a Google Seach, this is the third website that comes up.

That's pretty sweet, but we still have a little ways to go. The first site is a Guided By Voices song review. I can deal with that. The second is a pretty sweet art piece/poem about making the unborn Baby Jesus cry. It's a W bash. Sweet. Still, I covet being number one.

People keep asking what it's like to be married. Actually, it's pretty much the same as it was before. When you've been living with someone for a while it doesn't feel all that different. At work though, a rather conservative type asked me once and I replied, "Now when we have sweet monkey sex it is as God intended, as man and wife." The person seemed shocked, but then again, had to belive me, after all, at work I am the God expert.

God Bless Texas, and God Bless the USA

2006-10-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

Now it is on. Texas can and should be officially given back to Mexico. It's time to right the wrongs of the past...

Tommyknockers

2006-10-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

There is a mysterious green light that pours out of the cracks of the escalator at work. It always scares the hell out of me when I'm riding it. Green lights are rarely good (except in the Great Gatsby where the green light on the end of Gatsby's dock symbolized hope, I think). Think Stephen King's book Tommyknockers. There was always a green light hanging around, and it was never up to any good.
On a side note, when we were little, Tommyknockers somehow became slang for breasts. Othen than the obvious bit about the word containing "knockers," I wonder how that happened. ..

My Dog Rules!

2006-10-06T13:54:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, I got married too, and that was sweet.

(But check out my dog, doesn't he rule?)

Scary News From the Rocky Mountains

2006-10-04T13:19:00.000-05:00

The News: Those weren't oysters you were eating bitch!

No, seriously. Check out this article. Apparently, Darth Cheney had a man arrested for "harassment" after the man criticized the administration's...well, basically what isn't there to criticize about the administration. You get the point. Anyway, thrown in the slammer this guy was. What a joke. Probably a part of the Patriot Act...

Additionally, gross. The IM from senior douchebag Foley and his congressional page. Yuk. They are on-line, but I'm not going to link to them because I feel dirty doing so. Trust me. Gross. So, if you're a Floridian who voted this turd into office, do you feel silly now? Answer, of course not. How do I know? Two words. Jeb Bush.

Newbies

2006-09-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

A new crew of grad students arrived this week. I assisted in showing them the ways of the world. I think that I might be a bit of a dick. Two examples.

At a fancy dinner we had two glasses in front of us. One filled with champagne, one with a white wine. A newbie asks, "What's the difference between these two wines." Barely able to contain my snarl and shooting lazer beams from my eyes I quip, "Nothing I guess, except that one is champagne."

Later, when I am drunk and looking for more wine I notice that a newbie next to me isn't drinking any of his wines (yes, plural). I call party foul and loudly comment to my drunken friend sitting next to me. The newbie tries to make the excuse that he is doing the best he can. I reply, "I'm tired of carrying your dead weight."

On a related note, we rode in a school bus there. School bus technology has progressed quite a bit since my youth. Mainly though, school buses seem to have a giant, glowing red light attached to the back wall of the bus, just beneath the emergecny exit. It makes the whole bus seem a bit like a Hell House. (I think that Hell Houses are awesome, if you don't know what they are then you're probably going to hell.) You can't get off the bus until you make a decision, bitch!

I used to think that high schoolers looked young when I was in college, then college students when I was in grad school. Now I think that some grad students look young. Scary.

Plus...Pirates are Pussies

2006-09-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

While on our honeymoon I found an awesome store that sold many things of the pirate variety (not so awesome) but also many things of the ninja variety (totally awesome). Outside the store was a giant pirate thing, about 4 feet tall, trying to look all tough.

However, upon closer inspection this "bad-ass" pirate was holding a sign that said, "Please do not play with me. I am a delicate pirate."

Oh snap! Could I have a ruling on that...yes, it does indeed reek of sand in the roastbeef.

Sadly, my camera wasn't with me. Trust me though, I wouldn't lie. I'm a chaplain for Christ's sake.

I Usually Baptize with Fire...

2006-09-21T16:18:00.000-05:00

Check this out D-Nasty. Over the weekend I baptized two living things (slightly blasphemous I know). But...I did it wearing my alb in the middle of a lake. It was old-school, like me.

Less Objectionable

2006-09-08T14:44:00.000-05:00

There are other pictures, namely some shirtless ones, taken inside the bar (why we were asked to leave?) that fall into the category of more objectionable. The D-Nasty and I can wail like banshees when we sing "Livin' on a Prayer."

Back and More Indestructible than Ever

2006-09-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

How many times can one make the "I'm Back" announcement? Well, this is at least the third time for me, so I guess I'm not expecting much fanfare. What's happened since the last posting you might ask...

Tons. Let me sum up. Got engaged. Got married. Bought a car. Finished one job, started the same, though slightly different job.

Now I wear a sleak looking black titanium ring on my left hand. It makes me indestructible, immune to everything, even sharks-though it has not been sting-ray tested yet... Mainly, I'm back because my partner in crime, the D-Nasty, has abandoned the Windy City in favor of more tree-hugging and godless folk, namely Seattle. So, we need some way to stay in touch. Call it our Underground Railroad against those who would front, because, as you might recall, our one promise to you was that we will never front.

Married huh? Yes, and all the better for it. The only unfortunate part is that now pictures are beginning to surface of the bachelor/bachelorette party. Needless to say, I wasn't fronting then either. I sang my heart out on such karoake classics as "Living on a Prayer" and "Fat-Bottom Girls." Surprising, I thought I knew more of the words to the latter, though I distinctly remember thinking to myself that D-Nast and I didn't sound too bad for now knowing any of the lyrics. Perhaps it was the boozy-booze talking. Anyway, if the worst part of getting married is having to see myself in a bunch of pictures making terribly awkward and pained faces, then I'll consider myself one lucky dude. Out.

My Hero, W

2006-02-15T08:57:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I read somewhere that our sweet president W is thinking about giving those hard-pressed oil companies a break and relieving them of the need to pay federal fees if they drill on government land. Now, by government land we most likely mean reserves and other protected areas. The total savings to big oil is estimated to be around 5 billion over a several year period. Now, I can already hear you damn blue state liberals getting all fired up. Before you get your panties in a wad (and I'm sure that you are all wearing panties) why don't you quit killing babies, subverting God's word, supporting the gays and take a moment to get the facts straight.

Let's face it, last year was a tough year for big oil. I mean, sure they hauled in record profits, but that comes with a price. You've got to hire a whole slew of people to count and then hide your money. That's not even to mention the whore that you've got to hire to swim naked through your huge piles of cash (just like Scrooge McDuck). Come on people, this costs huge sums of money. These guys need a break.

I can't wait for the administration to pass these savings on to the common man. Let's review. If we've learned anything from this administration we know that there are two very bad things in this world: the environment and poor people. It is only a matter of time before the administration starts handing out individual tax cuts to people who show great disdain for one of these two great evils. Changed your oil on the ground and polluted the aquifer? $10 tax cut. Used toxic pesticides on your house plants? $25 tax cut. Bought a hummer just to drive around town? $500 tax cut. Shot a poor person? $1000 tax cut. Was that person black? $2000 extra bonus. Man this is going to be sweet because, like our good president, I too hate the environment, everything that it stands for, and poor people.

I am the World's Best Dad

2006-02-02T10:30:00.000-06:00

Last night we decided to go on a date, mainly because we don't ever get to do anything because of the furry one. We went to Dave and Buster's. I could see worry in Jethro's eyes when we left because whenever we go someone and there is drinking involved we always come home drunk and torture the dog with our love. Usually he can smell the booze on us, and although he loves to try and lick the residue out of the inside of our mouth, he also knows that his drunken dad is likely to flip him over and drag him across the floor by his legs as if he were a dust rag.
Anyway, while at Dave and Buster's I hit the superjackpot on Skee-ball. That feat of superhuman skill requires one to get 450 points, which is basically the 50 point guy on each throw. Impossible right? Not for me (after a few beers no less). I am a god among men. As a prize, and this is what makes me such a great dad, I got Jethro a stuffed Brian (Family Guy). I hope that Brian doesn't teach Jethro how to make martinis. Anyway, don't forget how much I rule for hitting the superjackpot on Skee-ball; it was fucking awesome. See the boy and his new toy, if I can ever get the stupid pictures to post....

Working Man

2006-01-31T08:55:00.000-06:00

There is a man who stands at the corner of Jackson and Dearborn each morning. It appears that he sells newspapers for a quarter. At least, that is what I thought was his job. Only recently I learned that operation is only a front for a much more sinister occupation. In fact, this man's special purpose in life is to make sexually inappropriate comments to every woman who happens to have the misfortune of walking by him, and, mind you, Jackson and Dearborn is pretty much in the middle of the downtown area. So, on any given day, I would estimate that he sexually harasses at least 150 women. For my part I would just like to say, God bless you mysteriously offensive man. I mean, someone has to sell papers, and someone also must make sexual comments to those who pass by. This man is a workaholic; he's doing two jobs for the price of one. So, fat and gross old man, whose teeth are not all there, hold your head up high, for in this time of a depressed economy you are managing to hold down two very important jobs. I just might buy you a beer one day, if a beer at 8 in the morning wasn't a totally repulsive idea to me. (See, that's how you can tell that you're all grown up...morning beer=gross)

WTF?

2006-01-23T14:34:00.000-06:00

Saw Underworld this weekend. But before I get to the movie I should tell you about buying the ticket. The ticket-taker was a small Asian girl, we'll call her Asian reporter Tisha Takanawa. She asked if I would like to donate some amount of money, we'll call it X, to some charity. Being poor, and having just been shafted out of 10 bucks to see a movie, I said no thanks, "I gave at the office." At this point, Tisha Takanawa says me to, in a perfectly matter-of-fact manner, "That's okay sir, others gave and that is what is important."

Ouch. Clearly my not giving translates into my worthlessness as a human being. Thanks Tisha Takanawa.

Underworld...so many questions. Let's start with the basics. Where the hell are we? I thought we were, roughly speaking, in the same location as the first. But then Michael (we'll call him Creed because he looks like Scott Stapp) is in some backwoods diner and people are speaking some Eastern European language. Then, quite suddenly, his picture is displayed on the television, in this strange foreign tongue, and he is to be considered very dangerous. Huh? Slow news day in Poland when they have to put out APB alerts for criminals half a globe away. But then again, they did get their from the coven house in one day, and Marcus did seem to fly there in the course of one night. Hmm...

Why didn't Marcus ever kill Viktor? Obviously he hated him, yet there would be no reason to let him live?

Why didn't Viktor kill Selene? If she's the only one who knows this secret location why don't you just dust her and get it over with. Jesus Christ, apparently becoming a vampire lowers your IQ by 100 points.

What is the deal with old man Corvinus? If he is such a badass why does he live in secret at Pier 17? Why is he even immortal if the legend is about his two sons being bitten by wolf and bat? What the hell does that have to do with him? Why does he suck so damn much?

Is Creed a badass or not? In the beginning the Polish cops seem like they're going to kill him, then Marcus dusts him hardcore, but then he rips the top of William's head right off. Make up your damn minds people. We did get to see him at his most dangerous, and by that I mean feeding the bone to a horny Selene who was always busy covering up her goodies, slut. Did anyone else notice that when Marcus took Selene's memories he got the one of her playing grab-ass with Creed, but that it was from a third-person perspective? Like she was watching her own porno. It's too bad that he coudn't have had it from her point of view because I'm sure that she must have looked down at her own, sweet tits at least once during sex, which is once more than the audience got.

Why did Selene's dad agree to build something that he knew was going to cause trouble, and for God's sake, why did he take her to work with him everyday. It's not like they were building the Lincoln memorial or anything. He was asking for trouble. That also reminds me, she must have been using some super high powered chalk to draw on the walls because 800 years later it is still there, even though the place has been flooded time and time again.

In short, the only realistic part of the movie is when Creed and Selene make hot monkey love just after their first meeting with Marcus (where Marcus nearly fucks them both over bigtime). Think about it, if Kate Beckinsale saved my life and we were trapped in a strange storage bin, you'd best believe I would try my best to nail her. Nothing relieves the stress of near-death like a damn good rogering.

This movie would make me reconsider the coolness and toughness of vampires if I weren't already totally sure of those things. Luckily I do know those things, and I bet this movie is just a ploy to make people think twice about wanting to become a vampire, just to slow down the number of apps that they get each year. Well, it's not fooling me. I still plan on becoming a member of the undead, and when I do, there are going to be some changes around here partner.

Who the Hell Made That Last Post

2006-01-20T09:09:00.000-06:00

Jesus, that last post was written by some space-alien with a serious case of sandy vaginitis (which can be fatal if untreated). For the record, I come home every night and get drunk, and then yell at everyone and everything in my house, hit/kick those things as they try to run away, and then fall asleep on the couch with my hand down my pants.

I had a very disturbing dream last night. There was a beautiful woman (faceless in that way that people can be in a dream, but you still know that she's hot). We were at a party and we were flirting. Then we were going to my dad's house. We started taking off our clothes. Things seemed to be going pretty well; the "have sex" plan was in full swing. Then things took a turn, towards the bizarre. She had some thing, like an extra little flap of skin between her breasts. It was disconcerting, but I pressed on, only to wish that I hadn't. So, the top half was a little strange, the bottom half was all messed up. There were extra things all over the place, and not in a good way. But still, it is difficult to abort the "sex plan" once it has been initiated. The override protocals just take too long to institute. Plus, it is a dream, where one moment you're sitting outside of your dad's house and the next you're having sex. This is when it got really odd. During the sex she seemed to transform into a monster. Her face got all distorted and her narrow and her teeth got all sharp and long and she seemed to be reaching out to try and eat my face. In the real world I think that this would be enough for me to stop having sex, but in the dream, it didn't really seem that much of a bother. So I continued having sex with the monster while it tried to eat my face. In the end she did get a nip of my cheek. I guess we both got what we wanted (though actually, having sex with a monster isn't really something that I want so maybe I got the short end of the stick).

Anyway, I am left with these reflections. Monster sex isn't that great. We're not talking Species here. For everyone considering it, I would suggest just sticking to human sex. As Maude Lebowski said, "It can be a natural, zesty enterprise."

I am a Bit of a Pussy

2006-01-19T15:49:00.000-06:00

When I get off the bus from work I've got a half-dozen or so blocks to walk to get home. Everyday, with about a block and a half or so left to go, I find myself breaking into a light run/jog because I can't wait to get home and see the two animals that I know will be waiting for me. Sigh, don't tell anyone.

Another Reason to Stick with Dogs

2006-01-17T09:19:00.000-06:00

From a CNN report. " A computer programmer found out his girlfriend was having an affair when his pet parrot kept repeating her lover's name, British media reported Tuesday.
The African grey parrot kept squawking "I love you, Gary" as his owner, Chris Taylor, sat with girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa of their shared flat in Leeds, northern England."

You know who should hire that bird? Cheaters, one of the all-time classiest shows on television. That bird would rule as a special, guest investigator. Remember when the host, Joey Greco, got stabbed on that dude's boat? Talk about your all-time backfires, and, a spot-on case of you get what you ask for. And what kind of name is Joey Greco anyway? Why not just name yourself Dego Wap and make it easier for everyone else? Cheaters is the type of show that makes me proud to be an American. Damn terrorists, how can they possibly hate a country that generates such profoundly enlightening entertainment?

They should show Cheaters as therapy at places that have severely depressed people, because no matter how much your life sucks, it can't be as bad as the people on Cheaters. It would make me think twice about the need to kill myself, unless of course, I saw myself on an episode, at which time I would probably feel the need to kill myself even more deeply. But, as a clinician, it is a risk that I would be willing to take.

I Knew it All Along

2006-01-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

Recently, douche-bag types across the country have been making some noise about Condy Rice running for president in '08. First of all, her teeth are not straight enough for the job, so that's a no-go. Secondly, I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but she is a woman. I mean, I think we can all see the problem there. Anyway, she's adament about not wanting to run. So, a clever reporter type asked her about maybe being vice-president. Her response was, "The two are the same." Think about that for a minute; the two are the same...

Hmm..we've suspected as much for years now, but did she have to be so obvious about it? We all know that Evil Dick is the really the Sith mastermine behind the adminstration, but crap, at least let W keep running around with his little hat and pistols playing Cowboys and Arabs and acting all in charge.

I Feel Old

2006-01-16T10:56:00.000-06:00

There was a show last night, Magnolia Electric Company, that we wanted to see. Tickets said that it started a nine. However, there was some confusion as to how many opening bands were there. It looked like there might be 3, or possibly 4. We called ahead and someone at the bar said that Electric Company wouldn't take the stage until 12. This is when I start to feel old. Shit, I have to work tomorrow. What are we going to do about the dog? How many of these opening bands, who will inevitably suck, do we want to see? Questions without answers it would appear.

The solution? Take a nap (from about 8-10) and then go to the show. Who the hell takes a nap before going to see a show? I am reminded of the statement my good friend once made, while tending bar at a social event we were hosting. When someone, a male, asked for a Midori Sour, he cleverly replied, "Can I pour that straight into your vagina?" When I showed up last night I half expected someone to be standing at the door with a simliar offer.

On a related note, the place is the same bar where, some years ago, the Dagnasty and I were just asking for totally random drinks (essentially making up their names) and drinking what the bartender brought us. Prarie Fires (tequilla and tobasco sauce is not correct) are not good. I ended that night having a Buttery Nipple shot-off with another friend.

Pat Robertson

2006-01-13T10:15:00.000-06:00

Mmm..delicious. Israel cuts ties with Pat Robertson after he insists that Sharon's stroke was retribution, of the divine type, for the Gaza pullout. Food for thought...

Here is my problem. Robertson and Falwell are both getting old; they will die soon. When they are gone who will pick up their mantle and say totally outrageous things? Think about it, no one is being groomed for the job. I don't want my kids to be robbed of the pleasure of reading a juicy Robertson quote about, for instance, hurricances hitting Florida because of all the gays there. He's brought so much joy to my life.

That's why, I think that I might be right for the job. I'm giving it some thought. I will need to pray that God grants me the righteousness to hate gays and women enough to accept this important calling. Like the prophet Isaiah said, "Here I am. Send me Lord."

Crack is Like Money

2006-01-10T09:10:00.000-06:00

I read an article yesterday in the Off News section of the Chicago Reader. It sounds brilliant. Apparently, someone running for a council position in a fairly large US city actually suggested that the city should find drug-addicted homeless people and pay them to do sanitation jobs. So far so good. He went on to suggest that they should be paid in crack, and, that hopefully, as they found ever increasing satisfaction out of doing their job (and doing it well while high on crack) that they would require progessively less amounts of crack to work.

Hmm...

First of all, (well, I'm not even sure how to rank the objections in any kind of logical order) how good a job to do you expect will be done if the person whose working is a crack addict.

Secondly, do you expect them to show up for work the next day after you've just handed them a baggy of crack at the end of their first day's work?

Just homeless people? Can I work for crack too if I want?

Finally, and correct me if I'm wrong, isn't crack illegal? Are we going to arrest the homeless people right after we "pay" them on charges of possession? That would be sweet. Look, everyone has their position on drug laws; I think that they are good because I also think that drugs are bad (like robots they are made of metal, and they're strong). But really, you can't take a bag of crack to the bank and deposit it.

Maybe what we should do instead is give all the homeless people gastric bypass surgery, and that way they won't be so damn hungry all the time. I mean really, they are always asking me for food. If we just got rid of their stomach, they wouldn't need food anymore. I think that it would really solve a lot of problems. So instead of crack, we should give them credits towards the surgery, and then, when they're earned enough through their hard work, we'll give them what they really need. I know, I know, I am too kind. Just looking out for my fellow human beings...

Vacation

2006-01-09T06:02:00.000-06:00

We're thinking about going on a little trip. Problem. Poverty is holding me up. It's expensive to go on trips. Originally thinking about Cayman Islands. I was looking at the Bahamas tonight as well. Somewhere beachy...Cancun maybe? I don't know; I've never been responsible for planning my own vacation before. Being an adult is so damn hard. I'm looking for suggestions for places near an ocean, where it's warm, and where a brother can get a host of little drinks with umbrellas to pass the time away. Shoot away...

Don't Piss Me Off...

2006-01-03T09:41:00.000-06:00

We all know that ninjas are governed by a strict code of honor. Live by the code, die by the code. Offend that honor and you are taking your life into your hands. I found that out the hard way over the weekend. I had Jethro tethered to the couch (tether is when you hook the leash around a large, stationary object and leave the dog there so he gets used to the length of the leash. It is also a cheap babysitter if you can find an out of the way spot where the monster cannot get into trouble. No such place exists in our apartment. Nothing is ninja-proof.) Anyway, our little ninja was quite upset at this tethering, probably because he knew that his ninja agility and extreme mobility were eliminated, thus placing him at risk from pirate attack. He was barking and angry. I was telling him to be quiet and calling him names. The next thing I know, there is warmth, wet warmth on my foot. Bonus points: I'm wearing my sandals. Afterwards the dog just looks up at me and walks off, honor restored. Smelling of pee I slink away, having shamed myself and my family.

Planes, Trains, Automobiles

2005-12-27T09:33:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas to all, especially LeRoy and his ninja assassin dog Jethro. You might ask, how was your Christmas LeRoy? Let me tell you. Plane ride home, to Florida, with the dog. The dog gets put in a tiny little carry-case and sits at my feet. On the way there the little monster was a perfect angel. He sat peacefully and meditated on his ninja training. It gave me real peace of mind because I’d been a basketcase beforehand, imagining all manner of terrible circumstances that would come about on my ill-fated flight.
Plane ride home. All starts off well again. Just before boarding the furry one takes a healthy pee and a solid poo right outside. I’m feeling optimistic, foolishly so as it turns out. We get on the plane and I’m sitting next to two very talkative valley-girl high schoolers. They think that Jethro is the best thing since Fall Out Boy. About an hour into the 2.5 hour flight I hear the yelp, the one that says, “Hey Pop, I need to use the potty.” Damn. He gets squirmy under my seat, and yells some more. I take him out of the case and hold him in my lap, where he cannot sit still. He then continues to intermittently make loud noises; I can see the beginning of a brew-ha with those around me who are trying to sleep. My blood pressure rises. He’s panting, so for a while I function under the delusion that he’s merely dehydrated and wants some water. Foolish, foolish boy. He is not thirsty, and we all know that you dumb bastard. My vision begins to narrow and my head starts to hurt. Even though I know that it’s not medically possible I can actually feel an aneurysm forming in my brain. Sadly, I cannot get up because we’re flying through turbulence and the fasten seatbelt sign is lit. Then, it happens. Warmth, warmth on me. My blood pressure rises to critical mass. Then, the smell. Nope, it’s not a little number one, it’s a big, solid, number two. Right in my lap. In the background, cruising at 38,000 feet, I can hear the sound of God mocking me(Luckily I’m wearing a brown shirt…lucky?? whatever). Dog shit has the superpower to smell, a lot, and very fast. Perhaps human turds have this same capacity but we never discover it because they are usually delivered safely into a waiting bowl of yummy toilet water. People around are complaining, the high school girls are going crazy, and I’ve got a lap full of amazing pungent dog shit. Luckily, the flight attendant was a darling and got me some towels and a bottle of water. I’m laughing on the outside, but crying on the inside. I dump an entire liter of water into my lap and scrub away. My hands and clothes still smell like fecal sweetness when I depart the plane however, and they continue to do so while I wait in line to get my luggage, and then while I board the CTA for the 45 minute train ride home. This is all not to mention the fact that the front of my being is entirely soaked through, so it looks as if I’ve drunkenly urinated on myself, but smells as if I’ve shit myself. Tricky huh? I like to keep the people guessing. When I’m almost home I reach into my pocket to pull out my keys. There is something in my pocket. Slowly pulling my hand out and consumed with terror I look down. Dog shit. I had shit in my pocket. Nice. I’ve showered and also scalded my hands under superheated lava water, but I still have the nagging fear that I smell of shit, and that someone will point that out to me today while I’m at the hospital. (Did I mention that I’m on call, and that I had to bring the dog with me to work today because no one else can watch him?) There is no God, only suffering.
The whole time I was reminded of that commercial of a young dad trying to feed a little baby who is in a highchair. There is food all over the kitchen and the dad looks like he's about to kill himself. Exasperated, he looks at the child and says, "Where is your mother?"

All Hail Chuck

2005-12-22T01:48:00.000-06:00

=Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris=--------------------------------------
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets theinformation he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in theface.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew abeard.Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but wasremovedby Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck withChuck!"Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFKassassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with hisbeard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealousof Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a highschool football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "ChuckNorris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred ChuckNorris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealingDecepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.We know this beverage as Red Bull
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying"booya".
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
Jesus' Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him abirthdaycard for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That's why we celebrate Christmas.

F-Line

2005-12-20T09:44:00.000-06:00

I encourage everyone to read this article. Apparently Britney and K-Fed might have a sex tape that they are worried will leak out to the public. Ok, so why sue Us magazine for 10 million bones? If anything, this will once again peak interest in her sorry excuse for a career. That, however, is not the source of my confusion about the story. Read it again, closely. There is one line in there that really stood out for me. Here's a hint.

" The magazine also reported that the couple gave a copy of the tape to lawyers and watched it with them. "

Huh? Why in God's name would you do that? I can just see the lawyers now, "Um..yes, what you just did there was certainly illegal." "Dude, the size of your jimmy borders on criminal negligence."

Did the lawyers offer their expert opinion that, yes, this is a sex tape? Rich people are so damn weird; I wish I could be one.

Ninjas hate...

2005-12-13T15:33:00.000-06:00

Since my dog is a ninja I can safely assume that the things he hates are things that all ninjas hate. So far the list of items that must be destroyed at all costs include:
Leaves
Movie ticket stubs

God, he hates movie ticket stubs. Come to think of it, they are both from Walk the Line. So maybe he doesn't like Johnny Cash. No, that would suck. He probably doesn't like Reese Witherspoon. Can't say that I blame him much for that. Anyway, I am sure that the list will grow as he grows in ninja prowess. Better pray that you don't end up on it, otherwise you will be eradicated along with all the other bastard leaves and movie ticket stubs.

Jethro: Raper of Skulls

2005-12-12T12:35:00.000-06:00

This is our new dog, Jethro. Thus far, he has brought much joy and excitement to my life, though little sleep. He enjoys walks in the snow, peeing and pooping on things in the apartment, and crying (very loudly) all night. Soon though, I will have him trained as a ninja assassin so it will all be worth it. Keep it real Jethro, and don't pee on anything while Daddy is at work.

Claymation Christmas

2005-12-07T12:47:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else remember watching the California Raisin Claymation Christmas special. I think that it was on CBS some years ago. God, they have the most kickass version of We Three Kings ever recorded. I would kill an entire village of midgets to get my hands on a copy of that.

X-mas or Christmas (Keep the Christ in Chrismas) Tree

2005-12-07T12:40:00.000-06:00

This is the first time that I've ever had my own Christmas tree. We bought it, hauled it home, I bought some lights and then we started stringing popcorn and cranberries. There was also the addition of some candycanes. The wierd thing is that the decorating of it kept getting fucked up, by circumstance once and my own stupidity once. But, the moral of the story is this, the tree is up. It is decorated and it is beautiful. It is ours and it has far too much power, too much magic, to be foiled by my own foolishness. That's why I love Christmas. Well, that and it's when the Baby Jesus was born..

Question

2005-12-06T09:13:00.000-06:00

How often do you have sex?

Fame

2005-11-29T09:20:00.000-06:00

I saw today that there is a form that one can download to nominate someone for a star on the walk of fame. It is, as Darth Vader would say, "All too easy." See the form here. I mean, it can't be that hard right, look at some of the people who have one (Olsen twins, Drew Carey). Obviously, the requirements are free from any obligation to have talent. What they are not free from though, is the $15,000 payment required to get one. That's a pretty penny, but there are some people who I feel really need one. Some of these people might already have one, I don't know, but my short list would include:

David Hasselhoff
Bill O'Reilly
Dolph Lundgren
Tony Cox (Bad Santa midget)

Bleeding Heart Liberals

2005-11-28T12:50:00.000-06:00

Bleeding heart liberals (commie bastards) are always talking up a big game about human rights and liberty and shit like that. Frankly, it makes me sick. You don't ever hear Dick Cheney talk about that stuff, and there is a man I can respect. Speaking of things that Dick would find interesting, the US is going to execute its 1,000 prisoner this week (since the death penalty started back up in 1976). According to Amnesty Int (Commie Central if you ask me), of those 997 already rightly put to death for their crimes 34 showed evidence of mental retardation. Further Amnesty stats show that last year 25 countries executed people, but of those executions, 97% took place in four countries. Get ready for this list, it will warm your heart. China, Iran, N Vietnam, and the US. Hmm..any list that we share with those three big winners is a good one if you ask me. Maybe next year we can get on the Most Babies Eaten list with Syria and Sudan.

Get Behind Me Satan

2005-11-15T09:21:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that there don't seem to be any ritual ways to cleanse rooms of spirits after people die in them. So the D-Nasty and I created this beautiful liturgy. Please feel free to use it in your own home, should it be filled with spirits (of the undead type, not just liquor).

Room Cleansing Liturgy

The power of the dark side is strong in this room.

As if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and were silenced.

I sense much fear in this room. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

To end the suffering of this room we come to rebuke those spirits who have fallen into shadow and yet not moved out of this world.

The Celebrant uses one (only one) of the following blessings…

If person was of exceptional character: XX, your spirit was strong in life. Find your way to the halls of your fathers, and continue to rock out with your cock out.

If person was a total assclown: XX, you died weakly and without honor, shaming yourself and your family. We now cast you into the eternal lake of fire, where the bad folks go when they die.

The power of Christ together with the Baby Jesus compels you.

Don’t fuck with the Jesus.

Now, XX, along with all the sinners and saints, Tupac, Biggie, and all the other homies who couldn’t be here, accept our offering of gin and juice and let its divine power fuel your drunken entrance into the hereafter.

It’s closing time bitch, and we don’t care where you go; you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

Superman

2005-11-11T13:31:00.000-06:00

I read today that the trailer for Superman Returns will be premiered before the new Harry Potter movie, on November 18. Sweet. IMDB reports this interesting piece of trivia:

"The cod-piece for Superman's costume took a whole month to create. Wardrobe experts on the upcoming movie, Superman Returns, spent ages designing the Man of Steel's codpiece - because they wanted to make it the perfect shape and size. Costume designer Louise Mingenbach confessed to Empire magazine: "There was more discussion about Superman's package than anything else on the suit."

This just confirms what we've all known for years. Superman has the perfect cock. Lois can't get enough of it. What a slut.

Jesus Christ

2005-11-11T12:30:00.000-06:00

I'm in a meeting about treating addictions and there are peanut butter cookies. I love peanut butter cookies so much. I saw them and grabbed three. But you can't always be sure that the cookie in question is, in fact, peanut butter. Sometimes bastards will try and cleverly disguise other types of cookies as peanut butter, probably because they clearly recognize the superiority of the peanut variety. Anyway, the meeting is going on and I take the first bite of my cookie. Victory is Mine! It is peanut butter. And it is delicious. I am so pleased that I exclaim, right in the middle of things, "Jesus Christ, this is a good cookie." God, I love those cookies.

I'm Sorry, but You Suck

2005-11-11T10:10:00.000-06:00

It is the morning, and it's a bit cold now in the Windy City. That puts me in a sour mood, only compounded by the fact that it's early in the morning, on a Friday, and I'm on my way to work. So, my spirits are not that high.

I get to the Jackson subway stop to catch my train to work. Suddenly, my ears are assaulted by what is surely the evil wails of some undead beast, perhaps a banshee or some other tormented spirit. I instictively reach for my cross and holy water (which I carry with me everywhere-I had to leave the stake at home after 9/11-but I was still ready to Van Helsing this thing), only to realize that these sounds of eternal torment are, in fact, coming from a perfectly alive woman. She's hauled an amp and a microphone down onto the platform and was trying to serenade us on our morning commute.

Now, I remember first coming to Chicago and seeing, in certain CTA facilites, a yellow lined area that was sectioned off, which said, "Performances in designated areas only." I was puzzled at to what type of performances we were referencing. I quickly learned, these kind. The kind that hurt you to watch/listen. What can one say. I'm sorry, but some people just suck, and when they try and perform it makes my ears bleed. I can't be very effective at work with bleeding ears. I do applaud the guts it takes to set up shop in a very public place and put your talent on full display, but only when you do in fact have some talent. I think that I am going to petition the city for an American Idol-like try out, in order to be allowed to do this type of thing. I bet that Fox would run it. It sounds a bit like a combination of American Idol and Bum Fighting. We could trim the finalists down to a group of 6 and have them fight to the death for the performance rights. Sounds like a winner.

How Do I Want to Die

2005-11-09T13:02:00.000-06:00

I am on-call today and the pager is blowing up. It sucks. I need a nap already and it's only 1. Usually I want a nap at about this time, but now I actually really need one. I might die before the end of day, which led me to wonder how I would like to die, you know, if I was ever given the choice.

It seems like instant incineration would be the best way to go. Perhaps having a nuclear bomb dropped right on my head would be nice. Or being shot with the BFG. Sweet, sweet green light, come to me. Or, I don't suppose I would mind having my head sliced off with a lightsaber, but, then again, no Jedi could best me in a dual of lightsaber skills so that's not going to happen.

I wouldn't want to burn to death. That would suck. But, even worse than that would be falling to your death, because you'd have all that time to think about it. I think that if I were falling out of a plane to my certain death I would try and break my own neck so that I would be dead before hitting the ground. It probably wouldn't work though and I would just paralyze myself from the waste down and then survive my fall. I would, however, try and make sure that I landed directly on my head. That would ensure that there would be a huge and nasty mess that would permanently scare all those who saw it. If I'm going to go out like that, I want to screw up as many people as possible doing it. The alltime worst way to go though (shit, the pager just went off again, damn, someone is coding as I type) would be to drown. People say that it would be a peaceful way to die. Fuck that. Peaceful my ass, you're trapped underwater and you can't breathe. That's hardly peaceful. Drowning is the suckiest way to die, bar none. At least, that's my opinion. Other suggestions are allowed..

Another Reason to Hate the IRS

2005-11-08T10:20:00.000-06:00

Not only do they take what seems like most of my paycheck on a bi-weekly cycle. Now they're gone ahead and just become the complete whore to the beast. It appears that they are just giving out free handjobs to the W regime. Read this article and see how the IRS is challenging the tax-exempt status of one of California's largest and most progessive Episcopal churches. Hey, I don't see how it is the fault of the Chuch that the administration stands in antithesis to the meaning and value of the Christian message. I wonder why they aren't going after Falwell and Robertson type churches who spew out pro-war and pro-W sentiments each week...Oh wait, because that's their base. Right...Stupid liberals and their stupid ideas about peace, and justice, and equality, and opportunity, and not torturing people....

Go Panthers!

2005-11-08T09:32:00.000-06:00

This story warms the cockles of my heart. You may not have heard, but two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were kicked off the team on Monday. Why you ask? For this sweet reason. Sex.

Apparently, they followed the team down to Tampa for last Sunday's game. Late Saturday night they were out have a little party at a bar on the Channelside. Then they decided that they were superhot and that they should have sex in a bathroom stall. Well, you know how long the lines can get on a weekend to use the crapper, so patrons were getting pissed. I guess it was marathon sex; god, I hope it was. Anyway, one lady finally reached her limit and confronted the pair. She was promptly punched in the face by one of the freshly laid cheerleaders. Police arrested the pair, one of whom was under 21 and was using a driver's license of another Carolina cheerleader.

Let me tell you what I love about this story. First, as a Tampa boy I am always happy when the home town makes it in the news. Especially when it's news about cheerleader sex leading to a punchout. That is sweet. No one else's hometown can top that, at least not under the heading of current events. Secondly, I appreciate the devotion of these two ladies to their team. Cheerleaders don't work at away games, so they just came down because they really love the Panthers. And, I wonder, perhaps some of the Panther players really, really love them. I saw The Replacements (K Reeves masterpiece). Thirdly, the two ladies in question look pretty hot in their mug shots, which is quite admirable considering it would have been crazy-ass late after a long night of drinking and fornicating. They don't even look like they have sex hair. Finally, finding love in a bathroom stall. That is sweet. The Dagnasty has my back on this one.

A New Low for Douchery?

2005-11-06T21:16:00.001-06:00

It's possible. First, check out this article on the conservative Christians attack on the retailer American Girl.

So, conservatives are total shitheads. That is nothing new. But come on. You're going to go after Girls, Inc (formerly the Girl's Club)? Clearly American Girl is fucking things up pretty hardcore right? I mean, they are sponsoring math, science, and athletic programs for girls. First of all, we know that girls have no business in any of those areas. Just like they have no business reading books without pictures. Frankly, I wish that they would put the books down altogether, but if they're going to insist on "reading" they could at least stick to things with lots of glossy pictures so that they aren't confused by all the letters so close together.

Here, though, is the real shitkicker. Girls, Inc has the audacity, nay, the satanic desire to offer "support for girls who might be questioning their sexuality." They don't appear, to the best of my knowledge, to have a sign over their door that reads, "Lesbian factory." They are, instead, offered support and safety to young people who are confused about being an adolescent and who don't understand their new and complicated sexual desires. Well, I think that I can carry the conservative banner on this one when I say, "Fuck that." Clearly, the safest and most healthy way to deal with people who have questions is to repeatedly insist that their questions are the expressions of some perversion, and that they are different, wrong, and scary. Right, because that worked so well for the generation of gay people who are middle-aged now. They really did well with that whole scenario that forced them to marry someone they shouldn't have and live their life as a lie for years on end. Yes, most of people that I know who lived through that little slice of heaven really thought it was super-cool. We should just keep repeating that mistake and mirror that intolerance forever. How dare Girls, Inc be concerned with the emotional well-being of people, especially when their ever-living soul is in danger? Better to live a hellish lie of a life here on earth so that you can get into heaven. I mean, that is clearly what God would want right, for people to be miserable and unsure of themselves all through life? Good work conservatives; you have successfully unmasked a wolf in sheep's clothing: The Girl's Club. We should instead call it the Den of Satanic Lesbos, because clearly that is what it is all about.

I'm not a huge Bible quote person, but geez, if you want one verse that should cover the entire scope of Christian life here it is- John 10:10 Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Obviously, abundant life means living without the ability to be who one truly is, who they were created to be. Abundant life as long as it looks like something that the fundamentalists can control. Curse Girls, Inc for trying to be like Jesus, like the real Jesus, the one who cared about people and valued people, the one who helped us see that there is no such thing as clean/unclean.

As my friend H-Bomb would say:

Dear Ass-Clowns who don't have a fucking clue what Christianity is all about and don't know the first fucking thing about the message of Jesus we call the Christ,

Eat a bag of dick.

Snoodles,
LeRoy

ps-I hope you choke on it.

(In all fairness, I should say that conservatives is the wrong word. I have friends who are conservative who would never be into something so patently assinine. I should use the word "brain-dead fundamentalists crotch ninjas." Just to be fair, fair and balanced.)

Kong

2005-11-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

I will confess that I was more than a bit skeptical when I heard that Peter Jackson was doing King Kong. News from the set, mainly about it's freakin huge budget (I saw 207 million as a last figure) told me that at least they were willing to put the money up to give it the treatment it deserves. Plus, we all know that Jackson has the dedication to take the things that he truly loves and do them right. Still, my skepticism lingered. The Kong trailer is out now and I must confess that other than what appears to be the miscasting of Jack Black, it looks pretty freaking awesome. We'll see how well the Jurassic Park element plays. See it here. Tell me what you think.

Finally

2005-11-05T13:52:00.000-06:00

I've finally found a possible companion form of religious expression for the Church of the Baby Jesus. Here it is. I love its emphasis on rationality combined with need to closely monitor the world's pirate population, and frankly, I find a giant spaghetti monster somewhat erotic. Perhaps we could work out some arrangement to share worship space...

Tom Cruise for the Supreme Court

2005-11-04T10:11:00.000-06:00

Let me justify my pick for Tom Cruise as the next Supreme Court Justice (see the Dagnasty's site.)

First of all, as Lt. Daniel Kaffee (A Few Good Men) he has never lost a case. He had the legal balls to put Col Jessep on the stand and then went on to tear him a new one. I mean, it was generally regarded that his father was an outstanding lawyer, but, you'll recall that assistant council Sam Weinberg said that he would rather have Daniel everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. He beat the shit out of Kevin Bacon in that case and made Jack Nicholson his bitch. Anyone who can do that is my man. Plus, even though he carries the necessary legal genius, he still brings with him that element that Bush finds so necessary-a total lack of courtroom experience. Recall at the end of the trial when he looks around and says, "So this is what the inside of a courtroom is like." He won't be wowed by the "insider" ways that come with years of experience, and he won't fall victim to back-door politics.

Secondly, as Frank T.J. Mackey (Magnolia) he said one of the most profound things in cinematic history. "Respect the cock." That is something that Bush and Rumsfelf can certainly get behind (literally).

Don't forget that he also played Nathan Algren (The Last Samurai) and so he knows what it means to pay token tribute to an entire culture without really giving a damn about their history or beliefs. Again, perfect.

He was also Chief John Anderton (Minority Report). Minorities are clearly one of the most pressing issues with which our country must deal. We should figure out a way to either kill them or get rid of them, and, as this title indicates I think that Mr. Cruise has a pretty solid idea started in that direction.

Finally, as an actor of no appreciable skill he knows how to strictly interpret the Consitution. He would never dream of ad libbing a line in any film (since he is a void of intellect) and is thus strictly wedded to the script that is handed to him. The same will be true of his understanding of our nation's founding document. He will certainly fight to maintain the viewpoint of the late 18th century that our espoused in that writing, with no effort to make them relevant to contemporary situations. This is clearly what our country needs most at this time of crisis, a solid retreat into the thoughtworld of 200 years ago. Tom Cruise is the man. We want him sitting on that bench; we need him sitting on that bench.

X-Men

2005-11-01T12:24:00.000-06:00

My girlfriend I have been playing X-Men Legends. It's the best of both worlds for her, first it's the X-Men, which is cool, and secondly, it satiates her Gauntlet: Dark Legacy hook. Anyway, I was looking around yesterday at some things and discovered this little bit. Did you know that Glenn Danzig was considered for the role of Wolverine? How perfect would that be! He's like 5"6 anyway, and he has the Wolverine mentality. Plus, he could sing on the soundtrack. Prof X, tell your children not to come my way...tell your children not to hear my words, what they mean what they say... All hail Danzig. Look at that stud.

Gay Sulu?

2005-10-31T16:24:00.000-06:00

So, in the paper today, on the back page I read that Sulu (George Takei) came out of the closet. Hmm..a gay Sulu. I might need to rethink my position on the gay folk...maybe they won't burn in hell forever. Maybe just for a day or so. I mean, Sulu is too cool for hell. Although, I must admit, I always had my suspicions after seeing this episode...

Honey, the News is Right Outside our Window

2005-10-31T10:20:00.000-06:00

Think about it. Is that usually a good thing or a bad thing? In my case-bad. "Chicago Neighborhood Terrorized by Armed Gunman" was the lead-in story. Hey, I thought, that scene they just showed looked like the corner just a block down. Yup. It was. Apparently, some crazed man is robbing the hell out of Hyde Park. Not a very smart man though, I mean, hell, how much money do you think a typical graduate student carries on their person. This dude probably has a whole room full of Derrida books, and a few extra Norton Anthologies of Literature. Good one, Mr. Robber. Why not go where the rich people live? Criminals are always so damn stupid.

This reminds me of a story that I'd like to share. Our neighbors back home like ot have strange animals in their backyard. Goats, camels, most recently a llama, weird shit like that. Once, their little boy was raising a lamb for the fair. Well, one morning they go outside and find that little lamb all slaughtered, literally, slaughtered in their back yard. Someone snuck into their fence, and just butchered the hell out of the thing. It just walked over to them, all innocent, and they started hacking into it with a machete. Wow. That's pretty fucked up. Hang on, it gets better. The day before the lamb was at the vet, where it received some de-worming medicine; medicine that renders its meat toxic for a while afterwards. So, the local police kept an eye on the emergency room for people presenting with a strange type of food posioning. Sure enough, Jim Bob and his brother crawl out of their trailer a bit later and go the hospital, complaining of a general case of feeling like shit. The story became a local interest piece and so the Tampa news stations came down to film on site. They basically decided to set up in our yard, without really asking. My dad, never one to really cause a huge stink, thought that he would make the best of the situation. Thus, while the story was being filmed, live, he insisted on walking through the back of the shot. I mean, hey, it is our damn yard. We'll walk through it when we damn well please. Thus, my father was on all three major news broadcasts in the same night, simply walking through the back of the shot. In a story with many odd features, that one is my favorite.

Sox Win

2005-10-27T11:31:00.000-05:00

How did I celebrate the Sox awesome victory? Well, it was a pub night. So, after copious amounts of drinking my friend and I raced across the Midway. After talking at length about our respective ninja skills inside we decided to go for a feat of athlete prowess. So, we were cartwheel racing. The goal was to make it across the way (about 50 yards) and then hump the hell out of a light post on the other side. 50 yards is a hell of a lot of cartwheels to do when you're drunk. We got to the end at about the same time, so I'm not sure who won. I do know one thing though, that lightpost will never be the same.

I Hate to Do This, but..

2005-10-26T09:30:00.000-05:00

I hate to have to call out friends, but, after reading the comments left about my Arch-Nemesis in my last post, I am left with no choice. Boopy-Jean and H-Bomb are, unfortunately, living in a dream world.

You both point to this one instance, the cleansing of the Temple, as we call it, as evidence of the ass-kicking ability of Adult Jesus. But, I ask you, why did he do it, what was his underlying motivation? Recall the scriptures; he wanted that the be a place of prayer, not a place of commerce. What a sissy. We all know that money rules the world and that prayer is for the weak. The Baby Jesus wasn't interested in prayer, it's for losers. What was he interested in: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The Baby Jesus was about ruling things, and that makes him an ass-kicker. If you piss off the Baby Jesus he'll go to the bank, buy your house out from underneath you, and turn it into a parking lot while you're at work. The Adult Jesus will just turn the other cheek. Who's team you want to be playing for H-Bomb? We both know the answer. Quit fooling yourselves and join the winning team.

Arch-Nemesis

2005-10-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Today the Dagnasty has posed an important question. We all know of his hatred (rightly so) of that lame-ass bitch Aqua-Man. I can sympathize with his feelings; Aqua-Man is the antithesis of coolness and toughness, two traits that we value highly. I feel that now is the time for me to make a full-disclosure; I too have an arch-nemesis.

The Adult Jesus.

Think about it, the Adult Jesus is everything that the Baby Jesus is not. He doesn't kick ass; in fact he actively campaigns against ass-kicking. He doesn't lay waste to entire villages of heathens; he gets himself killed by the Romans. Plus, he is always walking around saying wussy things, which is something that the Baby Jesus wouldn't be caught dead doing. The Baby Jesus was too cool for words. People could just sense his awesomeness and toughness; that's why the wise men came from so far away. They could sense a disturbance in the level of toughness in the world and they went to go check it out. The Adult Jesus is always talking, and saying confusing and nonsense things. It just pisses people off. Where, I ask, did the toughness go? A worthy question indeed. Additionally, the Adult Jesus spends a lot of time trying to do things (miraculous things) to get people to believe him. It doesn't really work. The Baby Jesus isn't into fronting like that at all, either you could sense his power or he would smoke your ass. He didn't need a gimmick. He had a no fronting policy. (Sigh) Somewhere along the way the awesomeness and toughness of the Baby Jesus was lost, and he was replaced with his alter-ego from the bizarro universe, Adult Jesus. The world has never been the same sense. Probably Mary's fault (it's always the women). That's why I dedicate my life to fighting for the Baby Jesus, and must therefore destroy the Adult Jesus. LeRoy out.

Need Some Help

2005-10-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

I need some help on this one. If, as a hospital employee, you walk into someone's room and notice that they have exceptionally nice breasts (bared at the time so you know for certain that they're nice; it's not one of those "they look nice" in a shirt deal and then they're hideous when exposed to the light of day thing), should you offer them that as a compliment? I mean, as a chaplain, part of what one does is offer encouragement and support. Compliments fall into that. And, let's face it, some people just have beautiful boobs. I was just wondering that today- I mean, this scenario certainly didn't happen...or did it?

Gross

2005-10-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

You know what's gross? I'm sure you've got some pretty good answers floating around in your head right now, but not the right one. Friday morning I woke up and felt like an unwanted turd swirling around a filthy toilet bowl before the big flush. Stuffy, couldn't get a breath. Yuk. Then I realized that my armpits hurt like a mother. They were all swollen; I was afraid it was some form of aggressive male breast cancer. Fast moving too, geez, the day before there was nothing. Anyway, in the midst of my pants-wetting panic it was pointed out to me that sometimes your glands swell when they're eating nastiness in your body, and that is a good thing. Still, I couldn't really move my arms all day.

Which explains why my girlfriend beat my ass so badly at beer pong that night. I hadn't realized it before now, but clearly, I was playing with a significant handicap. That must be why she beat me 9-1 the first game. I was still, technically, just off the 15 day DL from work. It was my first start back. It's a good thing that the beer in question is some delicious Pumpkin Ale that we found at Whole Foods.

Kids

2005-10-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find yourself wondering, when you have kids, in what order will you make them watch the Star Wars movies? Think about it. Anyone younger than 12 has grown up watching the movies in their original release order. That means that we all shit outselves in Empire when Vader tells Luke the truth of his origin. We also start the second trilogy with Vader boarding the ship on which Leia is aboard. We don't know anything about Vader really at this point, but we get the feeling that he's a total badass. This is later proven true many times over as we watch Lord Vader rule.

Now, think about watching the new movies first. There is no "Holy Shit!" moment when you get to Empire because you already know the whole back story of Anakin and Padme, etc. We know about the transformation into Vader and all that comes with it. Our kids won't respect Vader the same way that we do because all they'll be able to think about is how much of a pussy he was (thanks a lot Hayden Christiansen) in the first three films. Damn. Lucas has emasculated the total ass-whipping power that is Vader. Plus, the original three movies really promote in us a sense that Jedi were not to be fucked with under any circumstances, and that they could and would lay the pimp hand down on entire populations if necessary. Yet, we see in both Clones and Revenge of the Sith that some of the Jedi were lame-ass douchebags, and that most of the time they seemed to have their head shoved pretty far up their asses. This, coupled with the fact that the entire political backstory of the fall of the Republic and the rise of Empire is nearly impossible to narrate in a coherent fashion (why was the clone army being made again? who was making it? wtf is that whole sequence all about), is why my kids will watch the original movies first, and then, only if they are really naughty and need to be punished will they be forced to watch the new trilogy.

Codes

2005-10-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

Life is all about codes I've come to realize, and the key to a successful like filled with naked woman and booze is to learn how to decipher those codes. Like at work, I might write something like:

Patient was emotionally excitable with a childlike disposition. Translation:
Patient wouldn't shut his/her freaking pie hole. I think that s/he might be retarded due to an earlier (and possibly still continuing) propensity towards eating paint chips.

or

Patient and I reviewed life history. Translation:
Patient told me some horrible secret that I didn't want to know and now I have to live with the knowledge of where a slew of bodies are hidden.

or

Patient was agitated. Translation:
Patient is a fucking crazy and I don't do crazies. I left before any dangerous shit went down. Don't ever call me to go to that room again.

or

Provided support and encouragement. Translation:
Said hello and goodbye in the same sentence, never stopped walking.

These are the codes that run my life, vocationally speaking. I'm sure that there are other, more interesting ones that govern my private life...

The World Series

2005-10-17T15:15:00.000-05:00

So, the White Sox are in the World Series. I actually went to about a dozen or so of their games this year, so I think that means that I can root for them without being a bandwagon jumper. Additionally, it should be noted that I was cheering for them at most of those games as well; it's not like when I go to Tropicana and root for the other team to beat the Devil Rays.

After the victory last night I kept waiting to hear the sounds of sirens and the national guard moving in the squelsh some rowdy celebration party. I half expected to wake up this morning and find the entire South side a smouldering pile of rubble, like something from a Mad Max movie. Imagine my saddness when I saw that the 53rd street co-op (damn you Mr. G's!) was still standing. Now they can continue to charge me double the actual cost of all my food items.

Baby Jesus, getting up for work on a Monday morning is tough. You should get some type of pay bonus for all the Mondays that you actually show up. Like hazard pay. I bet that Jesus didn't go to work on Monday; I mean, geez, he worked all day Sunday right? Lazy bastard.

Not So Fresh Feeling

2005-10-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

I've recently noticed a rather disturbing trend. Has anyone else seen these miniature defibrillators about. I started to see them in airports, just in case you code on your way to baggage claim. Shit, the last thing I want if I drop in the middle of an airport is some TSA agent running over to me to blast me with the ol' shocker paddles. Or maybe it would just be some random passerby, a Good Samaritan if you will, shooting 100 volts of pure juice into your system.

Now, that made me feel a little queasy. But, I really got a not-so-fresh feeling a minute ago when I just a commercial for the Philips Home Defibrillator. Really, check it out. It's only 2,000 bucks. Look, is anyone else concerned about this. Isn't there some special training invovled in the use of such a machine; aren't those people usually called doctors? What is next, home liver transplant kits? The ad reads, "For the best chance of survival from SCA (sudden cardia arrest) caused by VF, a defibrillator should be used within 5 minutes. Yet, less than 1 in 20 people survive largely because a defibrillator does not arrive in time." I'm sorry, is that saying that less than 1 in 20 people survive a heart attack? What is this, an ad campaign run by a bunch of Republicans?

This is my favorite part though, found in the Q&A section. "Who should have a HeartStart?Anyone who wants a safer home. " Sweet. Apparently, if you want a safe home you are required to purchase one of these. I think it's on the list of necessary items for disaster preparedness put out by the Department of Homeland Security.

Friday, Sweet Baby Jesus, Friday

2005-10-14T09:48:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, which means that it's payday. Three paychecks into the new job, and not a one of them has been for the same amount. Funny, I've been working the exact same number of hours each pay period. In fact, I'm not an hourly employee; I am salaried. So, you'd think that it wouldn't be so hard to print up that same paycheck every two weeks and hand it over. Well, I guess it is. Last time I got overpaid by about half a paycheck. Opening it up I felt like I was at a birthday party for the Baby Jesus and everyone got a million dollar lotto ticket and a hooker (with no history of STD trouble). Then, in an attempt to overcompensate for their generosity last time, the bastards in payroll took a huge chunk out of this one (more than the overpaid amount I think). Damn Indian-givers. It's a good thing that I have no idea where in the hell payroll is because if I did...oh man, divine retribution. I can call that shit down on people too; they have no idea who they're screwing with on this one. Remember what happened to Judas when he got too wrapped up in money? That's right, he got himself killed (by himself I guess, so using the passive voice is somewhat misleading-the point is that he is dead now, not that he wouldn't be dead now anyway, having lived some 2,000 years ago, but there is a direct causal link between his monetary stinginess and his death. That's where I'm heading with this one). Dammit. It's a good thing that I just got saved the other day (see previous post). Now I don't need to worry about any temporal things because I can rest in the assurance that my heavenly Father will hook me up with a pimp ride in the afterlife.

What? There is no afterlife!? Dammit, everyone is out to screw me today.

Good News!

2005-10-12T11:04:00.000-05:00

Literally. I have some good news (in the gospel sense of the word!). The other day the D-Nasty and I got saved. All you need to do is go here. We watched the video, said the prayer, and now, Ta-Dow! Saved. Assured a spot at the eternal banquet table, safe from the fires of hell. So, if I look a little different the next time you see me, a little more like God, it's probably because I am going to heaven for sure. Sweet, sweet heaven. Thank you John Hagee ministries. Now I've got to go and read up on why these are the end-times and how gay people are in league with the devil (along with Democrats).

Kids are Not for Touching, At Least Not Like That

2005-10-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had to take a test to see if I was a kid-toucher. Interesting huh? They didn't want to take my word for it, nor did it seem okay for me to mail them a tape of myself having sex with my (adult) girlfriend. So I had to drive an hour away to sit down in front of this computer and look at some pictures of people (all kinds of people) and then I would rate them as to how they made me feel, sexually. The idea was something like this, "Look at this picture, and imagine what it would be like to be intimate with the person in it. Then rate that feeling on a scale of 1-7, 1 being disgusting, 4 being neutral, 7 being arousing."

So, I see a bunch of pictures of guys. 1. I see some pictures of women, but they're mostly ugly women. 4-6. Then I see a bunch of pictures of kids. 1. Gross. What a waste of time. Plus, I might add, if I was a pedophile, knowing that I was going in to take a pedophile screening test, what kind of dumbass would I need to be to admit that I was attracted to these kids. Plus, my main problem with the test was that it didn't seem to discriminate between children who were objectively attractive. I mean, come on, some kids are just hot right?...

Strictly for..

2005-10-09T20:36:00.001-05:00

I forgot to mention this. I do it now because I know that it will be a source of pain and dismay for the D-Nasty, and I love to cause my co-workers discomfort. Yesterday, while shopping for clothes that may or may not fit, I stumbled across a shirt that had a picture of three ninjas, in mid-assassination formation. The shirt said, "Strictly for my ninjas." I love it because it reminded me of how much cooler ninjas are than pirates, and even 2-Pac must agree. This is probably especially painful for the D-nasty since 2-Pac is a favorite of his. "Strictly for my pirates?" Ha! That sounds retarded; don't even make me laugh. Ninjas rule. Pirates suck balls.

WWJD

2005-10-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was in the store looking at some clothes. This is mainly because my girlfriend and I have different understandings of what it means for clothes to "fit." I, apparently, like my clothes several sizes too large. Most of my things are a little baggy. She thinks my clothes are too big and would like me to wear things that fit better. I think that those things are too damn small, especially the shirts; they feel all bunched up under my armpits and too tight across the top. Anyway, she insists that this is what "fitting" is.

So, we're buying some clothes that fit and I see this box by the counter. Inside are some flasks, like your drunken grandpa used to carry around and swig from in between touching your sister and hitting your momma. Anyway, I saw one with a picture of Jesus (adult Jesus that is) on it. Being one who is always interested in Jesus items I took a gander. Underneath the likeness of our Lord and Savior it said, "What Wouldn't Jesus Do?" Sweet. I bought it. If I had enough money I would have bought 50 and everyone I know would have gotten one for Christmas. The only thing that could make it better would be if there was also a picture of a really fat and disgusting woman behind Jesus, making eyes at him. And he could have that, "Oh, what the hell," look in his eyes. What wouldn't Jesus do indeed?

Blogging is My Crack

2005-10-06T12:49:00.000-05:00

Once I start I just can't stop.

Soon we'll be getting a dog, not just any dog, a seeing eye dog in-training. Some people came out to do a home study. They talked to my girlfriend; I wasn't there at the time and apparently they weren't too concerned about me. I think that they might have asked if I liked to hurt animals, and she said no and that was pretty much it. Plus, I'm a hospital chaplain so clearly I am a good person and all...

Anyway, I have some thoughts on how we're going to train this beautiful animal. First, even though it is my understanding that s/he will come to us with a name, I think that I will most likely rename it Assassin Killa'. Plus, I will train him to automatically kill any son-of-a-bitch who pronounces his name Assassin Killer; it's Killa, with an "a". Get it right or die. Secondly, I think that I will train him to have secret command protocols, just like the clone army that the Emperor had made to kill the Jedi (is Jedi a word that has a plural or not?). That way, when someone utters the secret word the dog will go totally apeshit and kill everything around it (except for its trusted owner of course). This dog is going to be awesome by the time I've finished it's intensive year-long training regimine (and yes, I will teach it the ways of the dark side of the force). It had better get a totally badass blind person as an owner.

The Morning Commute

2005-10-06T08:25:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I am beginning to hate people who listen to their I-pods on the bus/train to work. Do you really need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world every time that you set foot outside your house? Jeez. Must not make eye contact with another human being, must not interact with the external world in any measure during my 10 minute bus ride. Must create my own little world of (usually annoying) music to help me forget about all these people and things around me. Must be alone, must be alone. Jesus Christ, and some people wonder why they can't find a date; well it's pretty freaking hard if you eliminate half your chances to interact with people.

Working

2005-10-05T11:25:00.000-05:00

I just had a meeting with my boss. We do this weekly; it is part of the job. It started with her asking me, "Tell me about your guilt." Hmm...that's a funny beginning to most people's meetings with their bosses. It's about par for the course around here though, part of the consequences of having a touchy-feely job. But then I started wondering, who else, from an employee/boss standpoint, might have more awkward opening lines to their conversations. I thought of these:

Whore/pimp, "How much head did you give tonight?"
Executioner/Monarch, "Anyone you want me to kill today?"
Dr. Frankenstein/Igor, "Could you go and steal me a fresh brain?"
President Bush/any staffer, "What year is this and who is that black woman outside my office?"
An alien/sex shop clerk, "Do you have anything that I could use as a good anal probe?"
Me/some dude at Woodstock 99, "Hey, do you want some horse tranqualizer?"

I'm Back and I'm Bad

2005-10-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

Could it be? What's that pleasant smell, that erotic sensation that's nearly bringing you to orgasm right at this moment? Holy crap, it is true. LeRoy has returned. After a long hiatus and some life-changing occurances, I have returned to conquer the blogosphere that I once so completely owned. Thanks to all my long-standing fans, I think that there might be 2 left now who haven't died off, who continously check the site and then sexually and verbally harass me to resume ruling the world with my witty observations.

Today at the hosptial JCAHO is here. JCAHO is like big-brother, only meaner and, if possible, drunker. They determine whether you are allowed to live or die, and if they don't like you it is entirely possible that you'll end up in a closet on the business end of a code-red (A Few Good Men style). Needless to say, everyone here is wetting themselves and making sure that they do all the simple things, like not leave dirty needles laying on the ground, and not selling IV bags of liquid morphine for 20 bucks. As you might imagine then, the level of fun is decreasing exponentially; it's not at all like an episode of Scrubs here at all. In fact, I haven't found one doctor here at all who thinks that she can heal patients by showing them her breasts. Damn, that's why I came here in the first place.

Anyway, I saw some JCAHO types walking around today. I thought about peeing on them, just to show that I'm not afraid of their big, bad authority. That's not how I roll. But, as luck would have it, the tanks were running dry. I hadn't had anything to drink yet today except a half glass of orange juice, so I had no ammo. That was a close call JCAHO, but you'd better watch it. If our paths should cross again, say, after lunch, you're going get hosed.

Can Anyone Spare a Buck?

2005-05-24T17:51:00.000-05:00

Does it seem unfair to anyone else that I graduate on June 10, and that my first student loan payment (SallieMae, that whore) is due on June 15?
Dear LeRoy, Congratulations on your graduate degree. We wish we could come to the ceremony but we're busy raping the skulls of many of your friends and fellow students. We're proud of you. Now, get a job bitch! Yours,
Sallie

666

2005-05-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

Since LeRoy might be the only source of religious information that some people have, I feel obligated to share this bit of recent news. I seems that for some number of centuries now we've been slightly mistaken about the true nature of the Devil. I'm sure that we are all familiar with the notion that 666 is the mark of the beast right? Or, is it?

Turns out a group scholars (nerds, bitch ass nerds) have in their greasy little still virgin hands what looks to be the oldest manuscript from the NT. Until now it's been too damaged to read efficiently, but now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we've been able to read some it. Lo and behold, it turns out that the actual number of the beast might actually be 616! Damn. This ruins any number of crappy movies and theories of Jerry Falwell and of course, the NBC mini-series on Revelations. See the article here. I've got to admit that this hits close to home for me too, mainly because it ruins my favorite shirt, a black number with 665 on the front that says, "Neighbor to the Beast" underneath. I guess I might still be on the same block as the beast now, but I'm not his neighbor anymore. Hopefully, this will go the way of most historical-critical biblical scholarship that we have, which means that it will be completely ignored by the general public and will never be heard. After all, things are just fine the way they are right? (It would also ruin my friend's ability to walk into McDonalds and order a specific combo of things that total $6.66 and then laugh in a demonic, evil voice as he pays. Good fun that is.)

LeRoy, Where Have you Been?

2005-05-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

Right here mainly, doing nothing. Got a bad case of finishing up grad-school-itis. Been taking a lot of naps on the couch upstairs during the afternoons, and waiting for the weather to turn just a bit warmer so I can make my way out to some Cubs/Sox games.

Since I've been gone so long, I'll work my way back into things slowly. First, I should give any interested readers, of which I'm sure there are none, and update on the crazy. She was evicted from her apartment, only to show back up the day I was helping my friend move out (none too good security there). The police have spoken with her on several occassions, and she may or may not have been a temporary guest at the Psych ward of the hosptial where I work.

Anyway, my friend went on a blind-date recently with another friend of mine (I was not involved in the set-up). They went to a White Sox game, a game which I also attended incidentally. Digression-I was on Tv. My dad called me in the middle of the third inning to say the myself and the Beloved where being broadcast nationwide. He said that we looked miserable; we were, it was about 40 degrees with a 100 mph wind. Anyway, across the field from us, sat my friend on this blind date. She, of course, ends up relating the tale of the crazy. The next day, her date stops her and asks what the crazy looks like. Actually, he says, "Does the crazy look like this?" and then proceeded to describe the crazy in uncanny detail. Apparently, as he was driving down the street, this same crazy ran out into the road and began screaming profanity at him, saying that he was trying to kill her, ect. Not surprisingly, she was acting crazy. It is, after all, what crazy people do. Luckily she didn't try to bite him, thus spreading the infectious crazy disease, like in 28 Days Later/Shaun of the Dead. If that were the case, he would have been forced to throw old records at her and then run her through with a tetherball pole. The moral of the story is this-Crazy people are taking over. I think that W. should quit worrying so much about the gays and start focusing on this countries real problems, the crazies. If we would, I would vote for him in a second because that is my new number one issue and no one is looking out for me on this one. I bet that Wally is with me too.

Isn't Anyone Else Interested?

2005-05-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

Look people, I know that I am not the only person in all of bloggerland who is interested in surviving the rapture. I mean come on people, aren't you watching Revelations on NBC? Yet, when I look under "Profiles" it appears that I'm the only person who is fervently awaiting the return of the Baby Jesus. You people had best get your act together; I mean movies and books are fine and all, but they're not going to keep you out the Lake of Fire (where you get sent to fry and apparently are only seen on the Fourth of July). All I can say is, get with the program here. After all, God is love, and He would love to send you right to hell for not believing in His son that he loved so much he killed. Remember, I only hit you because I love you.

Angel of Death

2005-05-04T00:18:00.000-05:00

If anyone is looking for a clever gift to give LeRoy, I have a suggestion. Judging by how my last couple of nights at work have gone, perhaps a black robe and a scythe would be good. Then, I could just jump right into my role as the bringer of death. Seriously, there is a limit to how much I enjoy listening to people complain about their work, but the other night I had 5 things die on me. 4 adults, 1 baby. I saw more dead bodies that night than many people my age have seen in their entire life. The last person who died had a huge amount of family there. The nurse said that they were all welcome to come back to the room (even though I told her not to because there were too many). I stood at the door to the ICU and counted 35 people before stopping; after that about 5 more came through. Hmm...how do you fit 40 people into a room that already is pretty full with a bed that has a dead body in it? And sadly, fitting 40 people into the room was the least of my worries...

The Trapeze Swinger

2005-04-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

Ever had a song that stuck in your head, not for like an hour or so, but for about a week now? That's me. The song is The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. Now, I will be labeled an extreme man-sissy for even listening to Iron and Wine, but I can take it. His lyrics are amazing, and his sound is hypnotic. I've a total hard-on for him (it's mainly one guy, Sam Beam, he teaches film at a small college in Miami-another reason I love him). Anyway, this was the song that he played during the encore at his recent House of Blues show here in Chicago. I'd never heard it before (it's only on the In Good Company soundtrack, yikes!), but knew instantly that it made my inside quiver. If I hadn't gone to the gym that day I might have actually sprouted breasts right there and permanently become a female. Anyway, I've discovered that it is the perfect time killer, because it's about 9 and a half minutes long, which means if you listen to it about 3 times in a row, poof, a hour hour is gone. Sweet. Nothing says that your were productive when, at the end of the day you realize that you've listened to The Trapeze Swinger 17 times, and haven't brushed your teeth yet. Nice.
Here is a link to a review of the song.

Oddities of Work

2005-04-28T23:13:00.000-05:00

On the job hazards of preaching. I should note, before telling the story, that we have a lot of children at our church. It's most often charming and heart-warming, but sometimes a bit distracting. That being said, I was once in the pulpit, delivering what I thought was a pretty good sermon. I'm looking around, and I notice, in the back row, a young, and very attractive mother with her newborn baby. I smile on the inside, thinking about the miracle of life, blah, blah. Then, without warning, this young, and did I mention hot, young mother totally lifts up her shirt and starts breast-feeding her baby.
Now this is nothing new, lots of mothers breast feed their babies; our church administrator used to do it all the time. But there is often an element of discreteness to the whole affair; it doesn't usually involve the flashing around on an entire set of breasts. Obviously, this was the young woman's first child and she hadn't quite mastered the art of the subtle breast feed. That is why she was sitting, by herself, in the last row of chairs, so that no one could see her. No one that is, except LeRoy, the preacher.
It's an odd feeling, preaching a sermon, then noticing a woman flashing her boobs at you. I remember thinking, "I'm preaching, while staring at a woman's breasts." The situation was not made easier due to the hotness of the mother. Add this thought to the original, "And it's pretty hot to see." Strange. I bet that not many others have the experience of preaching while staring at a woman's breasts. If so, I would be interested to know how they handled it.

Kung-Fu Hustle

2005-04-26T10:57:00.000-05:00

If you get the chance, you should certainly go out and try to see Kung-Fu Hustle. If you can't find anyone to go with you, give me a call because I would like to see it again. It is sweet. I went on a man-date to see it last weekend with my old roommate. We went to three different places (out for dinner, to an ice-cream parlor, and to the movie theater). At each location, the service specialist at least implied that we were gay. What the hell? Can't one grown man buy an ice-cream cone for another grown man without being gay? Can't I express my man-love for a friend by buying him super-tasty treats, without expecting sweet butt-sex in return?

Prophecy

2005-04-26T10:50:00.000-05:00

I have to preach a sermon this week; it must be of the "prophetic tradition," and by that we mean Hebrew Scripture prophet-calling the people to account, railing against injustice etc, not predicting the future type prophet. I've got nothing. I'm looking for a prophetic platform; perhaps the systematic oppression of graduate students, or the extreme injustice of not being able to get my hands on a delicious, chocolate Yoohoo. I need a Word from the people.

Uncle Sam

2005-04-19T07:13:00.000-05:00

Uncle Sam sent me a little gift in the mail recently, although it wasn't very timely, coming after April 15, nor I suppose, is it really that great when you get right down to it. It was a little post card that basically said, "We think that you probably suck so hard, and are such a drain on our society, that you probably didn't make enough money last year to even need to worry about filing your taxes." Yeah, no taxes for me. Boo, I only made $3.94 last year. Oh well, that's why I am a graduate student right, so that I can die before I start to repay my loans. Sweet, sweet alcohol, hasten my death...Sallie Mae is calling and she sounds pissed.

Crazie

2005-04-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Let me start with this full disclosure. Crazy people scare me like nothing else. I am terrified of them; they don't play by our rules. They don't even know our rules.

So I have this friend who is no longer living in her apartment because a crazy woman lives next to her. It would take too long to recount all the evidence of her craziness, but here are two brief anecdotes. On Friday night this woman stood out in the parking lot, in a tiny little number, and screamed for quite a long time, various statements about my friend. For instance, "Thank you XX." First and last name of friend. Weird. The police were involved. Secondly, the apartment building is trying to evict her; you know something is wrong when the apartment building steps in.

Anyway, I was unaware of all this, and called my friend today to see if I could get a book back from her that I need for paper-writing purposes. She relates this sad tale to me and offers her keys to the place, with the caveat warning that the crazy is surely there. Reticent, I accept the mission and go over there, intending not only to get this book, but also a small Tv and VCR that I loaned her. Hmm..sounds like a lot of stuff to carry. I get there and I can hear the crazy woman in her apartment, talking to herself in this real sing-songy voice. She is saying scary things about people coming, and how there is enough religion in here to get her by. (Note: When people start talking about religion all fears about their potential craziness are instantly confirmed) Suddenly paralyzed with fear I fumble with the keys and finally get the door open, but it takes a while and is sort of loud. The sounds from next door stop. (Thin walls there too; she's been listening in on my friend for months now). I duck inside.

Now, how do I get a Tv, VCR, and some books out in a hurry all in one trip? I grab a bag, throw the VCR and books in and get ready to run for it. Then I look out the peep hole. Crazy lady in the hallway; we are on red alert. Jesus Christ, I think to myself, you're about twice her size. (Plus I went to the gym yesterday). Then the devil on the shoulder appears and reminds me that crazy people can tap into the superhuman rage of craziness and exhibit monsterous, even unearthly strength when provoked. Now I am scared, irrationally, bed-wetting scared. Strapping it on though, I open the door and move out. I set the Tv down and begin trying to lock the doors. I'm failing miserably though because the crazy is walking towards me. "So, you're with X huh?" she says. "Um, no, I'm just a friend of hers, coming to pick up some stuff I left here," I reply ignoring the warm urine running down my leg. Hands shaking, suddenly I realize that all the times I made fun of people in horror movies for being stupid with fear were coming back to get me. I couldn't lock a simply door. She was close now; I could smell her crazy. Her eyes weren't all the way open and she was shaking. Screw it, I thought, and grabbed the Tv and ran down the stairs.

Throwing the Tv in the car my phone buzzes: text msg. It's my friend; she's messaged me to please be sure to lock the deadbolt because she's afraid the crazy is trying to get into her apartment. Ironic huh, that I would get that message at the exact moment that I totally disobey it. I think about going inside but then the crazy has come out the front door of the apartment building, and she's talking at me. Sweet baby Jesus, I get in the van and drive off like a bat out of hell. Friend calls me moments later to make sure that I got the msg. Sure I did, I reply, I just didn't do it. Curses! Now I have to go back and make up for my lameness, possibly at the cost of life and limb. I do it though, because that's the captain good-heart that I am. My pulse racing, not to mention the fact that I'm sweating like a pig and have licked my lips into chapped hell (nervous habit), I go back into the hallway of death, noticing for the first time ever that it looks like a hallway from The Shining. Comforting, no? Thinking the crazy woman just left I sneak down to friend's apartment and lock her door, when I hear the deadbolt slide open in the apartment of crazy. Peeing on myself again, I run out the hallway, never to return. God, I hate crazy people.

And You Thought Tequilla Was the Most Dangerous Liquid

2005-04-14T22:14:00.000-05:00

In today's New York Times. Turns out, the booze isn't the only dangerous liquid around. I knew it all along; back to a flask of vodka for me when running!

For years now, we've been hearing about the importance of hydration to avoid heat stroke during prolonged exercise in hot weather. Now, it turns out, too much hydration can kill you.

A study published today in The New England Journal of Medicine should give weekend warriors reason to rethink the wisdom of quaffing vast amounts of water or sports drinks while exercising vigorously - at least if they are engaging in such endurance tests as a marathon. The study found that a marathon runner could dangerously dilute the blood with an overdose of liquids, risking a coma and even death. The problem has also been detected during long military maneuvers, extended bike rides and blistering hikes through the desert. Sports authorities have already issued warnings and tips to avoid excessive drinking, and rescue workers in the Grand Canyon now carry devices to test collapsed hikers for low blood sodium. But the solution is for overly eager endurance runners and hikers to forget the old mantra that they should drink-drink-drink. Too much liquid can be lethal.

Drinking on the Job

2005-04-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

So I often have a bit of trouble falling asleep at night when I'm on-call at work. I was thinking the other day, that a glass or two of wine would probably be helpful. Then I thought that the powers that be (The Man) would probably not approve of me pouring then pastoring. Suddenly I remembered 1 Timothy 5:23, "No longer drink only water, but take a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments." So there, I mean, my job is biblically based right? Thus, they couldn't be mad at me for taking Bible advice could they?

IM Softball

2005-04-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

It is almost time for Intramural Softball. IM sports are one of the things that I will miss the most about the college life. Even here, where I've been beaten in basketball 99-38, and lost a softball game to a team of economists who showed up wearing deck shoes and long pants. In other words, the people who populate most of the IM teams around here that I play on (Divinity School types) don't have a single athletic bone in their body. At the first softball practice 2 years ago I spend the first 20 mintues of practice teaching grown men how the throw a ball. Pathetic.

The funny thing is, as a team of Div school types you would think that we would be playing for God/YHWH/the Void/the Divine. Well, I'm a little scared to do so, because as the Good Book has taught us in the past, those who "play" for YHWH either go on to brilliant and complete victories, or they get totally slaughtered in a nasty little bloodbath. The bloodbath part scared me a bit, and the funny thing about YHWH is that you can never tell which way she'll swing at any given moment. So, you're the Son of God, think you've got an easy ticket eh? Surprise, absolutely brutal death on a cross for you! What we really need this year, I've decided is a clever name that strikes fear into the hearts of opposing teams. Something to let them know that they're about to get their skulls raped. Suggestions apprecitated.

Fashion Awards

2005-04-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

So I'm all dolled up for this conference today, which I might add is going brilliantly. On the elevator up to the third floor a gay man compliments me on my shirt and tie. You know that you've reached the big-time when, as a straight man, you get compliments on your wardrobe from a gay dude. Cheers to my lady, who bought the shirt. I bought the tie.

The Body

2005-04-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

So LeRoy has been very busy lately. The Div School (and by that I mean myself and two other students) are putting on a conference today, in about 30 minuites in fact. Lingering fears that no one will show, or that no one will say anything. Baby Jesus help me.

Dear Patients:

2005-04-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

Listen up here; this is your chaplain speaking.

Chaplains sometimes get asked the strangest questions. Like once, someone asked me why their turd was green. Did that mean that they were really sick?

I am unable to explain the green turd phenomenon; it is outside my area of expertise. I would suggest one avoid eating large quantites of grass as a start though. Secondly, I would cut down on the veggies, they're no good anyway. But most importantly, I would quit sharing such bizarre and not-to-be-shared information with people who just walked into your room. I'm glad you pinched a green loaf; I don't want to talk about it, and unless you think it is some form of punishment from God, it doesn't need to be a topic of conversation between us. Thanks,

Fountains of Wayne

2005-04-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm so super-tired, but I've spend most of the day wishing that I had a friend named Stacy. I also wish she had a hot mother, that way I could tell her that her mom has it going on, and that she's all I want and I've waited so long. I'm in love with Stacy's mom.

As it stands, I don't think that I have any friends with hot moms. (Apologies to anyone who actually is my friend and who may have a hot mother) Nope. No one comes to mind; I really missed out on that train.

Image of the Day

2005-04-05T08:06:00.000-05:00

So I was working last night, and someone moved the bed in the on-call room out, away from the wall. I like it close to the wall so that I can lean up against the wall while I read my ultra-boring book in a vain attempt to go to sleep. I think to myself, why not move the bed. I get up and try to push it from the end. It won't budge, too heavy. I try to tug it along slowly from the side, no dice.

Finally, I get an inspired idea. From underneath of course. So, in my boxers and nothing else, I am crawling around on the floor in the on-call room getting under the bed. Then I try and push it up, still no game. The darn thing is heavy. So I decide to push, simultaneously with my upper body and my legs. Go ahead and image some fool underneath a bed in his boxers pushing up with all his pathetic strength, arms and legs, trying to move a 3 ton bed, sweating and groaning like a horny gorilla. Finally, our hero is victorious. The bed moves. I get in it, only to not sleep the rest of the night. I did read some.

Then someone died.

Then the dead person's family came.

Then it was morning and I was really, really tired. But at least I moved that bed.

So Many Things...

2005-04-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

Baseball is on! Yeah. I fully intended to do work today but I came home and clicked on the telly (I'm trying to be British) while I ate lunch. What did I see, lo and behold, it's Pedro striking out batters left and right. What kind of man, what kind of American would I be if I didn't stop and watch baseball?

Lunch, tasty. I found some BBQ Ritz chips at the market. Thought I would give them a try when I read on the bag, "The perfect compliment to sloppy joes." First of all, is that really an endorsement? I guess so since it did make me buy them. Secondly, that is a lie from the pit of hell. Everyone knows that BBQ Fritos are the perfect compliment to sloppy joes. These weren't bad though; actually they were so tasty that I felt obligated to eat the entire bag-and I can do it guilt-free since I just came back from the gym.

Lately we've been playing a lot of poker at our house, No Limit Texas Hold 'Em, the Cadillac of Poker as they say on Tv. I'm not a bad poker player, but I'm certainly not a professional. I've been getting beat, twice now, by people that I would refer to as "button pushers." The term button pusher comes from way back, specifically the days of Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat (more recently Soul Caliber 2). Remember when you were the master of those games, say with Ryu in Street Fighter. You could crush anyone, and yet, occassionally, there would come along a novice, totally ignorant of your skill level, and himself lacking in any skill, and he would just blindly close his eyes and push all the buttons at once. And sometimes, this bastard would beat you. Even though your skill dominated his, this loser would still be specially blessed by the gods to defeat you. Everyone who is a master of any video game has experienced this frustration, but it doesn't only apply to video games, no, no. It's application is much broader. Button pushers exist in every facet of life; they are the people who blunder their way through a project or a paper or a job, totally incompetent, and yet somehow incredibly effective. If there is one thing that the Church of the Baby Jesus: Bar and Grille stands totally against, it is button pushers; they are the ultimate fronters, and we don't front.

Sin City

2005-04-02T16:35:00.000-06:00

So I did see Sin City. I am a student of film, and yet I cannot describe it. I am yet to decide if I even like it; I can only say that it is visually stunning for sure. This dude, however, did not like it. You must read; he does this for all movies.